Star Trek Solutions, Inc
by ChrysMoon
Summary: For all of cinema's technical and scientific needs. A look at how ST:XI would have been made in the ST universe, featuring the major and minor characters and crazy shenanigans. Ch. 5 - Lens flares
1. Creating a black hole with lightning

Title: Star Trek Solutions, Inc.

Author: ChrysMoon

Notes: Um... Sugar high + missing my glasses = mispronouncing 'soundtracks' as 'solutions'. Basically a look at how Star Trek: 2009 would have been made in the Star Trek Universe. Warning for massive damage done to the fourth wall.

Disclaimer: Star Trek belongs to Gene Roddenberry, Paramount, and all the other people that I'm not. I do own the fourth wall and the future director making ST in this fic.

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Solutions for: Creating a black hole with lightning around the edges

"... So, yeah. Can you whip it up in a few weeks?" The director stood discomfit among the various bits and baubles of technology around the workroom that belonged to the genius of engineering at Star Trek Solutions.

"Nae, I cannae do t'at." Said genius spared a glance at the shocked man in the suit before turning back to his latest creation's unfinished head. He continued, "You're askin' me ta amass a sun-size amount of matter in an improbably short time o' "few week"." He formed air quotes with one hand while the other snatched another instrument from the shelf. "Squish it all in a space nae bigger than a pinhead on Earth, launch it 50000 kilometers away from the Klingon Neutral Zone and let it expand and create an ion storm in the process within a .5 millimeter precision around the ever-growin' and stablizin' expanse of the singularity," he gestured in a wide circle with the buzzing tool in hand, almost slicing off the director's nose. "Stick the _Narada_ into said singularity and somehow fight against the infinite gravity and pull it out, have a turf war, and tuck the singularity back in a box for posterity to see and leave before the Klingons can come and say 'Bob's your uncle'? Are you out of your freakin' mind?"

"Scotty, it's - "

"Not ta mention the "black hole" ye want is actually a wormhole, connecting two space-time together? I dinnae even want to think how many Federation rules that's breakin'." Scotty sighed, tweaking a screw into the robot. "Why can ye make something simpler? Like Wall-E?" He patted the robot's head affectionately.

"Don't worry. The legal department already dealt with that. We have the green light." The engineer still doesn't look convinced. "Scotty, just think how awesome it would look when it's up there with all the lightning and music and the explosions..." The director trailed off, no longer need to say more, for Scotty's eyes were alight with a maniacal gleam. The idea is sold.

"Maybe if Spock works out the logistics..." Scotty muttered while pulling up several files, and nodding at the screen.

"So..."

"Come back in a week. Should've a plan by then." The engineer waved his hands, shooing the man out so he could concentrate on the amount of space to warp for the black hole to be contained.


	2. Building the mining vessel Narada

Title: Star Trek Solutions, Inc.

Author: ChrysMoon

Notes: More movies-that-wasn't-made-in-the-23rd-century references! Sam's here because he didn't even get a second in the new movie.

Disclaimer: Star Trek belongs to Gene Roddenberry, Paramount, and all the other people that I'm not. I do own the fourth wall and the future director making ST in this fic.

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Solutions for: Building the mining vessel _Narada_

At the shipyard for Star Trek Solutions, the director showed the final schematics for the Romulan ship that will house the antagonists of the movie to the shipwrights of this establishment.

"So, any questions?"

"Yep, I do." The head shipwright nodded his head. "Why does it have to be so…big? And a major expansion and extensions to the arms every three and a half month?"

"And what kind of mining vessel is this? Romulan is a bit vague here. Your design seems to be a mashup of several deep mining vessels with a small surface retired a year ago. Did your art department base the framework on the newest asteroid miners that Romulus just developed?" The woman sitting next to the first speaker took the director completely by surprise with the shotgun questions.

"Are photon torpedoes standard issue on a mining vessel? And I don't think we're the ones to ask for a drill. That's more Engineering's department."

"Why do we have to make this out of tritanium? It's for a movie, not truly sailing into space."

"I can answer that one, laddie." The director was almost grateful for the timely appearance of the Scotsman, if it weren't for what he were to say next. "We're dropping this baby into a black hole and back, so it's gotta be very durable."

"Black hole?" The man visibly blanched, while the others muttered.

"Mr. Olson, there's nothing to be concerned about. The latest in matter stabilization technology will be applied to ensure the safety of the ship and the actors on board." Taking the space left for him, the director began to answer the questions. "Mr. Wislocki, the photon torpedoes are there to facilitate the explosions and fighting scenes throughout the filming. And torpedoes are sometimes used to blast open bedrocks to preserve the drills. Yes, the drill is being designed as we speak by Mr. Keenser of the Engineering department. Mrs. Kirk - "

"How many times must I ask you to call me 'Aurelan'?" She smiled kindly.

The director sighed, "As long as Sam's here, I won't get any ideas about that."

"Glad someone here remembers that." Sam looped an arm around his wife, grinning at the director.

"Anyway, yes. They did base it off the newest model. Figured that it would be more recognizable if they mix several types together rather than just stick to one. Lastly, Sam's questions. It's big because, well, what kind of villain doesn't have a big and badass ship, right? And the film covers around thirty years, so naturally the ship needs to grow with time. Scotty here from Engineering will assist in anything that needs to be redesigned if the original doesn't work out."

"We still get to name the ship right?" Sam asked.

The director nodded.

"Here."

"That's fast." The director took the sheet of paper. "The _Narada_. Got a meaning?"

"Sure." Sam smirked. "It's an acronym standing for "News are really appreciated down around"."

The director smiled sheepishly. "Don't worry. I promise this won't be another _Titanic_. The _Narada_ won't sink without you guys knowing about it first."

"How's the _Enterprise_ coming?" Aurelan asked.

"The 'Fleet's really excited about it. They get to build a new ship almost for free, and we get to take it out for a test spin. You'll have to see her once she's finished. Absolutely the most elegant lady I've seen. Present company excepted, of course." The director finished with a bow to Aurelan.

"Aye, that she is." Scotty smiled dreamily. "Well, let's get to work. I still gotta go back later to work on those lightning edges."


	3. Explosives, plasma, lightning, campfire

Title: Star Trek Solutions, Inc.

Author: ChrysMoon

Notes: I know ion storms aren't really all lightning-y, but just pretend they are here.

Disclaimer: Star Trek belongs to Gene Roddenberry, Paramount, and all the other people that I'm not. I do own the fourth wall and the future director making ST in this fic.

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Solutions for: Explosives, plasma drills, lightning edges, and making campfires

"Sir, James Kirk here to see you."

"Send him in." The director leaned back in his office on the rare day of break between shooting sessions.

" – All I can promise is that I'll ask him. Don't know what kind of answer I'll get. Yeah. See ya, Bones." Smartly snapping the phone shut, the man walked into the room, one hand combing his hair exasperatedly. "Sorry about that."

"No worries, Jim. I've known him long enough. Let's get Dr. McCoy's question out of the way first?"

"Sure." Wiping his palms on the designer jeans, Jim took a deep breath. "He said, 'Ask that insane pyromaniac-adrenaline junkie how many people he plan to injure to make this movie so I could file the necessary paper work and law suits before the shit hits the fan because I sure as hell don't want to be swamped in forms and patients equal to the number of neutrinos like what happened when he finished filming G.I. Joe: Rise of Cobra'."

"He said that in one breath?" The director poured a cup of water for the out of breath Jim, a sympathetic look on his face.

"And getting louder until the end too." The water was downed in one gulp. "You can go tell him your reply yourself. I'm not the messenger for your little word war."

The director shrugged, smiling. "Your loss. So, what brings you here? Didn't think Chris would let you out of his sight, ever since I tried to recruit you to be an actor." Christopher Pike, the spokesman and Jim's father figure in Star Trek Solutions, took personal offence at him for trying to lure his brightest talent away. And he himself is unrepentant. But they still work well together, and as long as the subject doesn't come, they do well in each other's company.

"What Chris doesn't know won't hurt him." The man waved that issue aside. "Anyway, I got a couple of things I need to ask you."

"Shoot."

"One, I need to rig explosives on the _Narada_'s main bridge."

"Why?"

"Well, the _Kelvin_ could only carry so much antimatter in the warp drives, and the amount of damage you want to the Romulan ship is noway near what the _Kelvin_ can do. So," Jim pulled out the schematics for the _Narada_. "I'll be putting some around here, by the seam between main and sub bridge, and at least one near a warp core so it jars a little. What do you think?"

Looking at the lines the young man drew, the director could only shrug. Who can argue with more flashy bombs? "If you think it's necessary, go ahead. I'm not the pyromaniac here."

"Don't kid yourself. You like explosions as much as I do." Smirking liberally, Jim continued, "Two, the plasma drill mechanism. Yeah, I know you said that we shouldn't make one since it's class N, but I still think Keenser and I could make a convincing replica with heat coils and some recyclable materials."

"Heat coils and some recyclable material? " The director couldn't help but ask in a incredulous voice.

"Okay, maybe not exactly those things, but it is the general idea."

"I'll have to check with my consultants on that one, Jim. Once I get the go ahead, you'll be the first one to know." The director smiled at the crestfallen and expressive face before him, and the urge to get Jim to launch a movie career came back in full force. But, a promise is a promise. And he would never dream to to cross Chris in the foreseeable future. "Anything else?"

"This one is actually from Scotty about that lightning you want around the black hole."

The director groaned. "Not that again."

"Yeah. Well, he said that the ion storm might not be such a hot idea, since one with that formation, and so near the singularity, will mess up any equipment within a half-light-year range. Not to mention that it's gonna be a beacon for all the sensors within .68 parsec, and with you guys so near the Neutral Zone - "

"Jim. Be honest with me here. The ion storm. Will it give me the visuals I want?"

The pyrotech's face twisted in discomfort. "The way Scotty designed it? Yes."

"Then I'm going with it, the Klingons be damned."

"At least I warned you. Anyway, one last note for you. I'm not the person you want for a campfire."

The director's eyebrows knitted together in confusion. "But - "

"I can teach the actor how to make a campfire, sure. But without wood? You're screwed."

"Without...? Oh! Geez, how could I forget that Delta Vega's a frozen wasteland!" The director grinned woefully. "Guess I need to make a trip to the Botany section."

"I'll give Sulu a heads up." The two men shook hands, and the director escorted Jim out of his office. "While you're there, give Bones a visit, would you?" The director shut the door loudly at the sound of Jim's bright laughter, sighing exasperatedly.


	4. Narada's damages, capture by Klingons

Title: Star Trek Solutions, Inc.

Author: ChrysMoon

Notes: Explanation for how the shuttles escaped. And I brought George Kirk back to life, since he had a raw deal in this movie. The Klingons were meant for an appearance in the movie, but they didn't make it. So here's also a tribute to them.

Disclaimer: Star Trek belongs to Gene Roddenberry, Paramount, and all the other people that I'm not. I do own the fourth wall and the future director making ST in this fic. None of the characters are a reflection of anyone involved in making the ST:XI.

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Solutions for: Massive internal damage to the Narada and her eventual capture by Klingons

"Absolutely beautiful." Christopher Pike, assigned spokesman from the Star Trek Solutions to this movie smiled in delight. "Shipyard really outdid themselves this time around. And the pyrotechs? Wonderful. I think this is the making of a beautiful movie there."

The director stood proudly on the bridge of his filming ship, staring at the still ongoing explosions. "Of course. The head director demands nothing but the best in cinematic technology. Everyone is back on board?"

"Yes, sir." One of his aids replied. "George is making his way up now."

Said man showed up a few minutes later, water bottle in one hand and a towel in the other. "So, how did I do?"

"Perfect. What was it like on the ship? Was it too shaky?"

"Well, it was about to blow up, so what do you expect? I was a bit scared there, to tell you the truth."

"Daredevil George Kirk scared on a little explosion? Never thought I'd see that day coming." Pike smirked, and clapped the actor on the back. "Oh, the Kelvin's about to collide with the Narada!"

The bridge fell to silence as the Kelvin's antimatter collide with the matter around it in a haphazard way, sending chunks of explosions off on the main decks of the Narada. "Wow. If it weren't for the fact that my role died on that ship, I would be ecstastic right now."

"Ye should be, laddie." Scotty also made his way to the center of the room. "If it weren't for Spock's and my miraculous solution to the black hole problem, you'd be nae bigger than a strawberry seed now."

"I know. Thanks, Scotty." George smiled at his long time friend before turning his view back to the Romulan ship. "Hey, why are there still explosions going on?"

"Well, we can't have the Narada launch more torpedoes, and the Kelvin doesn't have that much antimatter. So Jim rigged a few explosives to make the Narada look like it's more damaged. "Plausibility and all that." The director shrugged.

"And why are the Klingons here?"

"Klingons? Oh, they're here to - THE KLINGONS ARE HERE?"

"Sir, they sent us a transmittion asking for the Narada as compensation for being "disturbingly close to the Neutral Zone"." The aid replied, frantically pressing buttons.

The director looked at Pike pleadingly, who immediately waved his hands. "Sorry, we don't provide diplomatic services. You best look to 'Fleet Command for that."


	5. Shuttle Noises

Title: Star Trek Solutions, Inc.

Author: ChrysMoon

Notes: Short one this time, since well... there's only so much I could pick at. It's still pretty important though. And the director has a name! Also, the reason why all of of these illogical demand were made will be revealed.

Disclaimer: Star Trek belongs to Gene Roddenberry, Paramount, and all the other people that I'm not. I do own the fourth wall and the future director making ST in this fic. None of the characters are a reflection of anyone involved in making the ST:XI.

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5) Shuttle noises

"Hey, Arthur!"

"Uhura! You're becoming more beautiful every time I see you." The director greeted the sound mixer with a gallant bow.

Uhura gestured for the man to sit, laughing at his antics. "Jim's rubbing off on you, isn't he? Told you that man is trouble."

"But impossible to evade," Arthur grinned. "May I ask a favor from you, dear lady?"

"Depends." She leaned into his space, a mocking smile on her lips. "What kind of favor is this?"

"Well... the head director wants some shuttle noises to fill out those moments without the music."

Uhura blinked. "Shuttle...noises? Why would he want sounds for the shuttles? It's like raising a pink, glittering "I am here. Shoot this easy target" sign to everyone around. Besides, you guys are in space. There's no sound in space."

Arthur let out a long-suffering sigh. "Tell that to Nero."

She patted his arm in sympathy. "They really need to promote you, my dear."

"True. After all, I run the show." He nodded sagely. "So, if you want to prolong my life until I can sit in his chair, can you please make some of those 'noises'?"

Uhura shook her head, amused. "Give me the list. I'll see what I can do."


	6. Lens flares

Title: Star Trek Solutions, Inc.

Author: ChrysMoon

Notes: Lens flares, the evil that's hard to erase from pictures, even on Photoshop (admittedly I'm not very skilled at it.) There's going to be a big jump from this one and the next chapter, because I'm currently on the move to a new place! Once I stop moving, updates should be more regular.

Disclaimer: Star Trek belongs to Gene Roddenberry, Paramount, and all the other people that I'm not. I do own the fourth wall and the future director making ST in this fic. None of the characters are a reflection of anyone involved in making the ST:XI.

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Solutions for: Lens flares

"Scotty!" Box in hand, Jim Kirk strode into the chaos that is the engineer's workroom. Only one machine was running, so he picked his way in that direction. "You there?"

"O'er here!" A hand popped up behind the machine, followed by the rest of Scotty as he tossed a wrench behind his back. "Did ye bring it?"

"Yeah. Anti-anti-glare powder, my own special blend. After all, why make explosives' casings … shiny?" Jim shrugged, handing the box over. "What do you need it for?"

"To make the panels on the _Enterprise_ not anti-glare. These days, they ship stuff with the extra stuff already added, especially when ye dinnae need them…" Scotty muttered, dumping the whole box into the machine's receiver.

"Um… Scotty? I thought the point of that anti-glare stuff was so that, you know, we're not blinded by lens flares all the time?"

"That's right, but this time I was told not te do that." Jim's face grew more incredulous as Scotty continued. "In fact, they told me the more lens flares the better."

"W-what?" Jim spluttered out.

"Actually, now that ye mentioned it, I'll have to remake all the camera lenses too, to accommodate all that flaring and make it even brighter."

"For what? Then spend enormous amounts of money to get rid of it? Is Nero that filthy rich?"

"Aye, that he is, but they won't be editing it out. They want it in." Jim was dumbfounded and Scotty's own confusion was evident.

"They…did give you a reason for all that, right?"

"It's to make the film more realistic, so that the viewers can fully immerse in the experience of being on a starship."

R2D2 whirled and chirped at the engineer's side. "I know. Dinnae make sense to me either."

"Well," Jim sighed, "I hope those actors' contracts say something about medical coverage for imminent blindness. See ya, Scotty."


End file.
